i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
