i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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