I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
how drunk are you?
Several
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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