Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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