we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
