literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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