I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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