Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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