If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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