he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
