Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize