It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
