I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
