I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
