He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
