On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
