I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
