hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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