Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
