No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
