Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
did i just pee glitter
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
