I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
