Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
