the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it glows. i had to have it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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