what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Im part way to drunk.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
