I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
