Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
