dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
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Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
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I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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