Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
