Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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