woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
