Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.