oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I can feel your judgement through the phone