Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her