Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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