i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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