Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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