He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
