Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i will never coherently bang her
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
