Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
