Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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