at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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