dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
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Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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