Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dicks are not precious.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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