Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why do cheetos always look like penises
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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