There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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