my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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