I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
