I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
