Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
