She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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