Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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