Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
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he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.