If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
time to smoke my breakfast
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"