can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere