hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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