the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
